-Is your child sometimes uncontrollably loud?  

-Is he/she stubborn and difficult to deal with!  

-Every time you try to say something, you get a disrespectful response? or even backtalks to you in public!

-It's a nightmare every time you take your pre-teen son or daughter to a friend's house or for a play date. He/she becomes whimsical and does whatever comes to their mind?  

Any of these ring a bell?

We're discussing the numerous behavioral challenges that parents face on a daily basis.

It’s a time when emotions are heightened and meltdowns are more common. And this can leave parents scratching their heads, wondering what on earth happened and how they can help their distressed child calm down. Parents might lose their temper and feel overwhelmed at times.

However, keep in mind that children use their actions to express how they feel and think. They're often conveying something by their actions that they can't express verbally.

Before we can decide on a disciplinary method, we must try to understand first what happens in their bodies and brains when they are not calm. Your child's meltdown might be caused by a variety of factors. However, regardless of the stimulus, the brain reacts the same way. Here, we explain flight and fight responses so that you may understand how your child's mind works when they are in distress.

The Fight-or-Flight Reaction

When your child feels afraid, anxious, disappointed, or ashamed, or when they are experiencing a wide variety of emotions, their brain perceives a threat and a reaction begins. The brain releases hormones and chemicals throughout the body to aid in the body's response to the threat.

The area of the brain responsible for thinking is temporarily disabled.  

Adrenaline is released into the bloodstream. As the body prepares to fight or flee the threat, the heart rate and breathing rate increase. Blood rushes to the limbs. Digestion becomes more difficult. Sweating increases.  And your child is unable to think clearly or rationally. At the time, the brain is focused on survival and just trying to stay safe.

What you see on the outside, is a meltdown. Aggression, yelling, lashing out, crying, hiding, hitting. What you can't see is an immature, still-developing brain that is overwhelmed with emotion.

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Why Little Kids Act Out or Throw a Tantrum?

When a child acts out, it's often to hide underlying emotions of pain, fear, or loneliness.

Responding to that misbehavior in an inappropriate way or assuming the child is simply "bad," can leave the child feeling even more alone with whatever emotions they are coping with.

Often, the cause of an acting out is not visible, such as hunger or exhaustion, but rather is deeply buried. Tantrums are sometimes used to conceal the source of misbehaving from parents.

You might be surprised to discover the underlying cause of your child's misbehavior or tantrums. Here are some possible reasons why your child may be acting out.

1. They are looking for Attention

Sometimes, children feel excluded when their parents are on the phone, visiting friends or family, or otherwise occupied. It's easy to draw attention by throwing a tantrum, whining, or assaulting a sibling. Even if it’s negative attention, children still crave it.

-Ignoring negative behavior and praising positive behavior is one of the best ways to deal with attention-seeking behaviors.

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2. They have Unmet Needs

‍Misbehavior frequently occurs when a child is hungry, exhausted, or sick. Most toddlers and preschoolers aren’t good at communicating what they need. As a result, they often use their behavior to show that they have unmet needs.

-Parents can help prevent behavior problems by looking for unmet needs.

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3. Dealing with a Difficult Situation

‍Some children cause trouble because they are responding in a normal way to a situation that has upset them to the point where they are unable to manage their emotions.  

In other cases, a child may act out because of something that is happening outside of the immediate setting. For example, a child who is being bullied at school may "act out" their anger and frustration by misbehaving at home.

-Always try to figure out what's bothering him/her before you react.

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4. They are Imitating

‍By observing others, children can learn how to behave. Children will try to replicate what they observe, whether it's a peer misbehaving at school or something they've seen on TV.  

-Try to limit your child's exposure to violent conduct on television, in video games, and in real life. Role-model healthy behavior to teach your child the appropriate way to behave in various situations.

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5. To Test Limits

‍When you set rules and tell children what they can and can't do, they typically want to know if you're serious. They test limits just to find out what the consequences will be when they break the rules.

-Set clear limits and offer consequences consistently.

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6. They are failing to express Strong Emotions

‍Children don't always know how to express their emotions. They may become easily overwhelmed when they feel angry, and as a result, they may become aggressive. They may even act out when they feel excited, stressed, or bored.

-Children need to learn healthy ways to deal with feelings such as sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anxiety.

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7. They've picked up on Bad Habits

If children can get what they want by breaking the rules, they'll quickly realize that misbehaving works.

For example, a child who whines until their parents give in will learn that whining is a terrific way to acquire whatever they want. Or when a child throws a temper tantrum in a store, and their parents buy them a toy to get them to stop screaming, they learn that temper tantrums are effective.

Make sure that your child’s misbehavior isn’t serving them well.

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Why Tweens and Teens Act Out?

Even as children grow older, they do not necessarily stop acting out. Sometimes they will act out or rebel for the same reasons they did as a child—they are hungry, tired, stressed, or simply want attention. Tweens and teens may act out for a variety of reasons, some of which are more complex.  They may also act out if they are being bullied, going through a breakup, or experiencing friendship problems.

Here are a few reasons why your tween or adolescent may be acting out or engaged in inappropriate behavior.

1. To Declare their Independence

‍Tweens are also recognized for their attempts to be self-sufficient. They may become more irritable and impolite at times.

Teens may become rebellious in order to show their parents that they are capable of thinking for themselves. Also they may break the rules on purpose and try to show adults that they can’t be forced to do things they don’t want to do.  

-Allow your child to make responsible decisions as much as possible.

2. To Exercising Power and Control

‍Misbehavior is frequently fueled by a desire for power and control. When a child tries to exert control, he or she may exhibit rebellious and confrontational behavior.

When behavior problems result from a child’s attempt to have control over a situation, a power struggle may ensue.

3. Trying to Impress Peers or Trying to be Cool

‍Some children "act out" in an attempt to impress their peers. Even when this is the case, it is important to understand the purpose underlying the drive for their doing.  

In some circumstances, these children are actually being rejected or outcast by their peers, and they are acting out to gain attention. In other circumstances, they're just having fun with themselves. In either case, if misbehaving gets them the attention they seek, they will continue to misbehave.  

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4. Taking Exploratory Risks

‍Adolescents are trying to figure out who they are and how they want to act in life during their tween and teen years. As a result, they are frequently rebellious and engage in risk-taking behaviors that allow them to challenge family boundaries, social boundaries, and personal boundaries.

Not only are they more impulsive at this age, but also they're more sensitive to peer pressure, which might encourage them to try things that adults would find dangerous. Some children may try with something as simple as breaking curfew, while others may experiment with something more dangerous, such as smoking and taking drugs.

Immediate Calming Strategies for Your Children

Strategy 1: Comfort your child

Kids do not know how to navigate through big emotions. As parents sometimes just being a calm figure during the storm and providing comfort can calm your child down as well. Here are some ideas you can use:

Validate your child's Feeling

Sometimes getting your validation is all the comfort a child needs. Lets them know that you understand that your child is feeling sad, worried, tensed, angry, or whatever the feeling maybe. Let him or her know that it is ok to feel this things.

Remember, validation is showing acceptance of your child's feelings. It should be nonjudgmental and make the child feel understood.

Give them a Tight hug

‍A big, tight hug from someone you care about does two things. It helps your child feel supported and connected to you, and it provides proprioceptive input. Both make your youngster feel safe and secure, as well as relax an overwhelmed nervous system.

Back Rub

‍Positive brain chemicals such as serotonin, which relax the nervous system, can be activated by soothing, gentle touch. Use the palm of your hand to gently but firmly rub your child’s upper back (between the neck and the shoulder blades) in a back and forth or circular motion.

Deep Breathing

‍Mindful Breathing is a quick and effective way to switch off the stress response and reset the nervous system.  

Try this: hold a finger out in front of your child. Ask them to imagine they are smelling a beautiful flower as they take a deep breath in through their nose. Then they blow out through their mouth, as they imagine they are blowing out a birthday candle. Repeat 3 times. It helps your child to calm down when they are stressed.  

Make them Hug themselves:

‍Some children prefer not to be touched by others when they are feeling overwhelmed, or they might find themselves without a trusting adult to ask for a hug. In that situation, you can suggest that they hug themselves on their own! Have them cross their arms tightly over their chest, and reach around to their backs. When your child does this, they will "cross the midline."

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Strategy 2: Divert your Child's Attention elsewhere

Sometimes it can be that a child wants something that is bad for them. Diverting their attention while they are throwing tantrums can be a good strategy in these cases. Here are some tool for doing that:

Count as far as you can:

‍When your child counts, he or she must activate the prefrontal cortex, also known as the "thinking brain." The highly aroused "emotional brain" is calmed by activating the thinking brain, which turns off the stress response, making them feel calmer and more in control.

Count Backwards (5, 4, 3, 2, 1)

‍If your child is prone to worry, this grounding approach will be extremely beneficial. It's a basic mindfulness technique for getting your child to use their senses and feel more present in the moment. It can help them redirect their attention away from their internal concerns and toward what is going on around them right now.

To complete the activity they simply look around, and name 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell and 1 thing they can taste.

Color finding activity

‍Another exercise that helps to calm the emotional brain by activating the thinking part of the brain. Choose a colour, and then ask your child to look around wherever they are and name all the things they can see that are that colour.

Sing out loud

‍Singing is another way to activate the vagus nerve and regulate the nervous system. Plus, music has the ability to trigger happy memories and help us feel good! Encourage your child to sing a song they love, or that reminds them of something or someone special.

Do some jumping jacks

‍The stress response triggers the release of adrenaline – the body needs it to fight or run from danger. But when fighting or fleeing is not an option, this adrenaline starts to build up in the body and can worsen feelings of nervousness and anxiety. Doing something physical like jumping jacks helps to expel the adrenaline from the body and sends a message to the brain that the threat is gone. And so, your child feels calmer.

"Think about  Happy Place"

‍According to research, whether we do something or just think about doing it, the same parts of the brain are activated. So if we imagine we are on a beautiful, sunny beach feeling calm, we will actually feel calmer. And if our children remember a happy, comforting memory, they will feel happy and safe!

Research suggests that crossing the midline encourages the two hemispheres of the brain to work together better, allowing for more effective self regulation and integration of the “thinking” and “feeling” brains. As a result, children will be more relaxed and content.

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Strategy 3: Active Ignoring & Positive Attention

As human beings we are wired to put more focus on the negatives rather than the positives. As parents, we usually put more attention to the negative behaviors of our kids. You can read our complete BLOG on this bias of ours here.

Sometimes if the child is no immediate harm and not in distress, it's wiser to ignore behaviors like whining, arguing, inappropriate language or outbursts. This actually reduces the chance of these negative behaviors being repeated as the child hasn't gotten their desired outcome.  It’s called “active” because it’s withdrawing attention consciously.

You can turn your face, and sometimes body, away or leave the room when your child is throwing minor misbehavior in order to withdraw your attention. But this is only effective if paired with "Positive Attention". As soon as your child is doing something you can put your positive attention on, acknowledge that.

Notice any small effort the child has made. For example, if your child is in the midst of a tantrum and you see him take a deep inhale of air, you can say, “I like that you took a deep breath” and join him in taking additional deep breath.

Remember, whatever you focus on grows. So put your focus in the right behaviors.

However, be cautious about using this strategy. This should only be used when the child is not in distress or dealing with very big emotions. In those cases they need your comfort.

Preventing Behavior Issues before they Begin

You'll have a much happier family environment if you can stop behavioral issues before they start. Preventing behavior problems can take a little extra time and work, but it's a worthwhile investment that will save you time in the long run.

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1. Create a Positive Relationship

‍If you and your child don't have a good relationship, your child will be less motivated to behave. Children will be much more inclined to follow your rules if they feel loved and respected, just as most people are encouraged to work harder for a supervisor they like and respect.

Give your child a lot of positive attention. Give them at least a few minutes of your undivided attention each day. Play games, have fun and create memories. The stronger your relationship, the more motivated your child will become to listen to your guidelines.

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2. Listen to them

‍Listening is important. Allow your child to complete the story before helping with the problem-solving. Keep an eye out for patterns of misbehavior, such as if your youngster is jealous. Instead of simply imposing consequences, talk with your child about it.

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3. Give them your full attention

‍Attention is the most potent weapon for effective discipline, as it can be used to reinforce positive actions while discouraging negative ones. Remember that your child always craves for your undivided attention.

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4. Capture them at their best  

‍Children must be taught to recognize when they do something wrong as well as when they do something well. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and their good efforts. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a great job putting that toy away!").

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5. Know when not to respond

As long as your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring inappropriate behavior teaches children about the natural repercussions of their actions.

For example, if your toddler intentionally drops her cookies, she will quickly run out of cookies to eat. Or if she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it.  It won't be long before she understands not to drop her cookies and to play with her toys with care.

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6. Make the Rules easy to understand

If your children are unsure of your expectations, they will not follow the rules. Make a written list of house rules and post it somewhere visible in your home.

Explain the rules when you enter into new situations. For example, say, "You need to be quiet in the library," or "There's no running when we're visiting Grandma in the hospital."

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7. Create a structure and a timetable

‍Make a timetable for your child that details when he should do his homework, when he should finish his duties, and when he can relax. Children who have become accustomed to the structure are considerably more likely to respond positively.

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8. Prepare ahead of time to avoid behavior issues  

‍Identify possible issues before they become a problem. For example, if you know your child is likely to fight with his brother over who gets to use the video game first, set up a clear system. Tell them they can take turns, and anyone who fights or argues loses his turn. You may avoid a lot of behavioral issues by staying one step ahead.

Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do.

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9. Teach Your Child to Manage their Emotions and Impulses

‍When children understand their emotions, they are better able to control their behavior. Teach your child anger management techniques as well as particular techniques for dealing with unpleasant emotions such as fear, sadness, impatience, and disappointment.

Also teach your child impulse control skills with various games and discipline strategies. So start practicing delayed gratification and give your child the skills she needs to manage her verbal and physical impulses better. When children learn to manage their impulses, their social lives improve, and they perform better academically.

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Healthy & Effective Discipline Tips by Age/Stage

​Infants

• Babies learn by watching what you do, so model the behavior you want to see in them.
• To guide your baby, use encouraging language. Instead of saying, "Don't stand," say, "Time to sit."
• Only use the word "no" when it comes to the most critical topics, such as safety. Place harmful or attractive goods out of reach to reduce the need to say "no."
• At this age, distracting and replacing a dangerous or forbidden toy with one that is safe to play with is an effective technique.
• All children, especially babies, require consistent discipline, so discuss fundamental rules with your partner, family members, and child care provider.

Toddlers

• Your child is beginning to understand what is and is not permissible, but he or she may test the boundaries to see how you react. Pay attention to and praise the behaviors you want to encourage, while ignoring the ones you wish to discourage. When necessary, switch to another activity.
• Tantrums may become more common when your youngster strives to learn new abilities and deal with new situations. Anticipate tantrum causes, such as exhaustion or hunger, and help your child avoid them with well-timed naps and meals.
• Teach your child not to punch, bite, or engage in other forms of aggression. Model nonviolent behavior by not spanking your child and by handling conflict with your partner in a constructive way.
• Maintain a consistent approach to enforcing boundaries. If necessary, use short time-outs.
• Recognize sibling disagreements but avoid taking sides. For example, if there is a fight over a toy, the toy can be put away.  

Preschool Age

• Children in preschool are still learning how and why things function, as well as the consequences of their behavior. As they learn appropriate behavior, expect them to continue testing the limits of parents and siblings.
• Start giving them age-appropriate chores, such as putting their toys away. Give simple, step-by-step directions. Praise them for their efforts.
• Allow your child to choose between acceptable options while redirecting and setting reasonable limits.
• Teach your child to treat others as she wants to be treated.
• Explain that it's OK to feel mad sometimes, but not to hurt someone or break things. Teach children positive strategies to deal with angry feelings, such as talking about it.

Pre-teen children

• Your child is developing an understanding of right and wrong. Discuss the alternatives they have in challenging situations, the benefits and drawbacks of each, and what might happen next depending on their actions.
• Discuss family expectations and the repercussions of not adhering to family rules.
• Provide a balance of privileges and responsibility, giving children more privileges when they follow rules of good behavior.
• Continue to instill patience, compassion, and respect for others by teaching and modeling them.
• Don't let yourself or others use physical punishment. If you reside in an area where physical punishment in schools is permitted, you have the right to refuse physical and mental punishments for your child.

Adolescents

• You'll need to combine your unconditional love and support with clear expectations, rules, and boundaries as your teen develops more independent decision-making skills.
• Continue to show plenty of affection and attention. Make time every day to communicate. Staying connected with family members makes young people more inclined to make good choices.
• Learn about your teen's friends and discuss appropriate and respectful connections with them.
• Recognize your teen's efforts, accomplishments, and success in both what they do and what they don't do. Praise the choice to avoid using tobacco, e-cigarettes, alcohol, or other drugs. Set a positive example by abstaining from alcohol and other substances.

NOTE: Spanking and using harsh words are both harmful and ineffective. This is why:

"Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children," an AAP policy statement, emphasizes the importance of focusing on teaching good behavior rather than punishing negative behavior. Spanking, slapping, and other types of physical punishment have been shown in studies to be ineffective in modifying a child's behavior. Yelling at or shaming a child has the same effect. Harsh physical and verbal punishments are ineffective and can harm a child's long-term physical and mental health.

• The harmful cycle of physical punishment: The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents and caregivers do not beat or strike their children. Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, physical punishment often increases aggression and anger in children. The consequences of beating can be felt beyond the parent-child relationship. Because it teaches that causing someone pain is OK if you're frustrated—even.  

Physical punishment also results in greater levels of hormones linked to toxic stress in young children. It may also affect brain development. One study found that young adults who were beaten up repeatedly had less gray matter, the part of the brain involved with self-control, and performed lower on IQ tests as young adults than the control group.

• Verbal abuse: How words hurt: Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame also has been found to be ineffective and harmful.  Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens.